06/05/2024 1:35pm
it's been a bit since i last updated my website. or made a new substack post. i tried to remember what all i've really done and it's hard to articulate. part of making this website has been to create rather than consume, and i feel as though i've been consuming more. i did see some are my friends created and materialized out of ideas that were once abstract in their minds. i felt something when i saw it. i like to think that others feel something when they see art i've made too. i used to be more shy about it or had the false idea that no one cared about what i created or that it was cringe. but that's not true. i know so because i more often than not have more than a positive experience when it comes to experiencing my friend's art. a lot of change is happening this month. i've been prepared for it and expecting it for months, looking forward to it even, but i think i'm underestimating how different my day to day will look like. and how i took some things for granted maybe. but i can't stop thinking about moving. i'm so ready to. i'm gonna make an effort to see my mother more and i'm looking forward to spending more time with my father. i love them. i also have an exciting month of one way travel planned in july. i feel bad for not advancing my life how i always believed i would but i'm just being gentle with myself and accepting that it's going a completely different way than i have always imagined. that's ok. it's ok. everything is going to turn out ok. and you know what everything is already ok and right in my world. what's meant for me will come to me and what's not will flee. i love you.
04/11/2024 4:20pm
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. anyway, this week has been strange mentally and physically for me. idk what to do. well i do. and i'm doing all the proper steps i suppose. but it's still uncomfortable. my sleep hasn't been the best. obvious culprit of feeling strange. being alone. feeling too overwhelmed with my tasks causing me to not focus on anything and feel frozen. i've been watching a lot of films to distract me. adjusting to this new medication is strange. not being physically active since saturday probably hasn't helped either. there was a lot i wish i did these past few years that i haven't. i want to change the thought pattern that it's too late or i missed my chance to do all those things or that was the perfect time and there won't be another perfect time to exactly the opposite. i want to destroy that pattern of thinking. there will always be opportunities. i might just have to work harder now, or it might just look different than what i imagined.
04/01/2024 11:22am
a new month just like that. sometime's i feel like i'm obsessed with time. the passing of it. the start of it. when the first of the month start's on a monday. calculating and adding up time to make it mean something. i say, oh, it's a new month, now i can finally start that new routine or follow those new, old rules i've set for myself over and over and over again. but the truth is you can start or stop something at any time. time. but you get this sense of renewal when an "opportunity" to start fresh again presents itself via dates. am i making any sense? i'm rambling now. well it's been some time since that thing happened. and here i am now. in the present moment. let's take a deep breath. inhale big. hold it. audibly exhale now. find the sun. she's out today. well i decided like i have decided time and time again that today maybe i can actually commit to self advancement and picking up the pieces and finding the train tracks i was derailled off of back then in the past. something like getting back on track to adulthood and not lying to myself anymore. it's crazy to reflect on how ambitious i was and go go go and how i had everything i wanted lined up for me but a traumatic event / person led me astray. led me deep into the darkness. led me to not want to exist at one point even. but i love my life again. even if it makes me cry sometimes. because i have a lot i can focus on that is very good and pure. like my friends, family, physical health, a roof over my head, healthy food, fulfilling hobbies, an amazing community for real, consuming art and music and film and reading, birdwatching and jumping in the ocean and kissing my friends after we share a meal together. there's so much i learned through the suffering and failure. things i would have never learned being comfortable and naive. sure, i wish i never experinced what i did. my psychiatrist diagnosed me with ptsd but i manage way better now. but it happened. and it made my skin thicker. and it made me hesitant to share my love with just anyone. i feel like my internship of suffering and hardship and turmoil is over. nothing really phases me anymore. and i'm only 27 years young. THE DEEPER WE DIVE, THE FURTHER THE SWIM BACK UP WILL BE. well, today is the first of the month per the calander of time we so foolishly follow. but i like structure and stability. order and predictability. that's comforting for an anxious and paranoid mind like my own. so today i will embark on a 90 day plan i have for myself. nothing is going to change if i stay in the same patterns ive seeked refuge in. it can be that simple.
03/18/2024 12:40pm
i look out to the sea, the palm trees, the mangroves, and it's all so calm. like nothing happened. still. without the slightest wind to sway the mangrove leaves. the water glistens as the sun hits the minute ripples. what's the deal with talking about the weather being deemed as smalltalk anyway? i disagree. i believe talking about the weather can be grand. i still feel the ripples of the brute force shake my chest. me and the dog were taking a midday nap when all of a sudden the whole house shook. i heard the loudest thunder and felt the most potent lightning strike i have ever felt in my whole life. the entire house shook and rumbled. i've never felt energy like that before. i was in awe. we were scared at first, dog barking, me ressurecting in seconds. what the heck just happened? i thought to myself. i seriously thought a helicopter hit the house i'm being serious. i look out the back of the house and see the daylight quickly turn to night, and rain come pouring down sideways bc the wind is so strong. the palm tree branches were sideways, outdoor furniture being blown away, rain hovering over the gulf. it was seriously a wicked storm. and i watched it all. from it's arrival to it's quick departure. weather is fascinating. if that lightning never striked the house, i would have remained asleep, only to wake up without a clue that a storm that omnipotent passed over me. and yet, the trees stand up straight. the water is calm. like nothing happened. lightning strikes cause about 100,000 amps of current flowing down through the air, giving about a thousand trillion watts for about 30 millionths of a second. this makes the total amount of energy released about 30 mega joules of energy. to put it into not a so lightly perspective, that's roughly similar to a 30-kilogram bomb. i've always been fascinated about the weather, physics, and science. so no, i don't think talking about the weather is small talk. tell me how your neighbor doesn't believe in global warming like it's a religion even though it feels like 90 degreees mid winter. tell me how humans have caused irreversable damage at the turn of profit. tell me how you were biking and all of a sudden the rain came pouring down and you waited it out at a gas station. tell me how you borrowed the joy from your younger cousins as you saw them play with snow for the first time. tell me how you were so stoked on the tropical storm coming through so you rushed to the beach so you could surf some big waves on the gulf. and no one was left on the beach but your dad and your brothers as you screamed this our beach now, arms wide open, riding your kayaks like your sinking pirate ships. tell me about the weather. tell me how you had to turn around before you could summit the moutain because a storm rolled in, and there was a 30 minute window of life or death, but you and your partner didn't even know it at the time. the mountaineerer in front of you died on that mountain. humans will never be bigger than weather. i first learned this lesson trully caught out in an awful storm, lost in el salvador. i had to take refuge at a strangers house. i want to know about your sweat stains and your wet clothes. the snow you tasted and the way you felt so small.
03/16/2024 6:46pm
man i'm so anxious just like in a constant state of panic. there's so much going on and nothing at the same time. i'm sick rn which sucks bc i had plans this weekend with my friends and such but it is what it is i guess. i kind of feel fomo and i was looking forward to climbing this weekend more than usual. i have such a weak immune system so it's typical for me to just get absolutely wrecked. i haven't seen my friends in 3 weeks it's depressing. i feel like i have the most free time i've ever had and that's been giving me a lot of anxiety i guess bc i just think about things. i want to empty my thoughts. i'm back at my dad's house helping watch the dog bc him and his wife had to go to a her grandpa's funeral. i heard a song today with lyrics about saturn's return and i read about it but the article's are always in publications like harper's bazaar and astrology sites, and i'm not into that stuff. but it was something to think about. i do feel like i'm in a really transitional period. and i'm scared. everything's scary to me.
03/14/2024 5:30pm
what is time but a passing of thoughts? usually, around this time every year, i can feel my body fighting to survive. i learned that your body holds onto trauma and remembers it, even if your mind doesn't. it's true that time heals. it doesn't really hurt at all anymore. well, it feels like something else now. but less hate, disdain, and regret. just acceptance of something that happened in the past. i accidently stumbled upon a photo of us and smiled at its sight for the first time in 4 years. 4 years. healing isn't linear, but i didn't expect to see that day. there's this chinese haiku i saw that reads "that era has passed. / nothing belonged to it / exists anymore.” how comforting? i saw a spoonbill dive down into the mangroves, followed by another spoonbill. the deep pink can always be spotted out the corner of my eye. i watched them for a moment, breeze in hair and a deep, long breath.
03/11/2024 1:45pm
hello void. i have been home at my dad's house since last monday. this past week staying here, and seeing family, has regulated my nervous system in ways that seemed out of reach at my house in my city. recently, i've had a lot of breakthroughs with my dad. some that i never imagined happening in my lifetime. part of me being down here is for my mother as well. she had surgery this past month and recovering has not been the easiest for her. it's hard to see your parents weak, fragile, unable to do basic functioning things for themselves. i honestly didn't expect to be here at the age i am. but is there ever really a time that you're ready for this? today is the first day of the holy great fast for coptic orthodox people (my people), and the first day of ramadan. daylight savings also happened yesterday and the oscars. they're still dropping bombs the size of schools over gaza. body bags are the size of children. i had a weekend full of plans with my friends and cancelled all of them. i met some of my extended family on my dad's side yesterday. my family is made up of hundreds people. like first cousins and direct family. i love learning more about my lineage and seeing faces that resemble grandparents that are no longer here. they're all really stunning, beautiful, kind, and full of laughter. i feel blessed to be in the family i am constantly. i am proud of my last name. i don't want to go into detail about the conversations i've been having with my dad but he's really been opening up to me. it's interesting speaking with your parent who then becomes a friend. it makes me emo to think about. sometime's i feel guilty for the relationship i have with my mother. but she guilts me a ton. i feel sad about not spending one more summer in egypt before my gedo passed away a year ago now. i feel like the glue that was stuck beneath my soles are wearing off and i am able to take steps forward much easier now. my lease in my house is up july 1 and bethany and i aren't renewing. i'm excited for working towards my next chapter. i'm gonna miss my friends i made, but i'm looking forward to something new. to change. it's only less than 4 months i'll no longer be be a resident to my city.
03/09/2024 11:11am
the weather is beautiful today. even though i'm inside i can tell. i haven't been getting much sleep this past week but i finally slept for like 9 or 10 hours last night. i feel well rested. a part of me wants to go outside and enjoy the sunshine and see friends or just walk around but i don't feel like getting out of bed. it feels like i'v'e been stuck for so long any time i reflect. i feel like i wasted so much time not doing anything and simultaneously not relaxing. so i feel bad for doing nothing bc relaxing isn't something to me even though it is. idk, the passing of time is weird to think about. i sort of feel like i'm in this labyrinth and the exit is where my life will start. but then what is all this i'm doing if not life? life is anything and everything you do that isn't death. maybe idk i'm rambling now. i hate when i get existential i wish i could just be a dumb bimbo most of the time. i hung out with my pops yesterday all day for 12 hours and it was nice. he's the greatest man i know. there's a lot i can learn from him. he was talking about something in the car that made him all teary eyed and he started crying.
UPDATE: IT IS SO HOT OUTSIDE AND WINDY AND THERE'S MORE POLLEN THEN I'VE EVER SEEN IT IS NOT NICE OUTSIDE. I am back in my room and although I had plans today to climb and see a friend's band / dj set, idk if i will have the energy to :/ i'm feeling defeated today.
03/06/2024 2:22pm
i've basically had the idea of creating a website in place of social media where i can document or blog or post pics of my life for years now, like before instadoom even and it's felt really good to actually materialize that desire. i'm sure many people agree with having good ideas or desires or creative ideas but we often just accept leaving it as an idea and not putting it out there, even if it's bad. like this poorly coded website lol. i want to thank mia personally for revamping my dream to do this and showing me some great resources. ur so cool mia! it's been 6 months now since i made this website but i only recently really went in on editing it this past week. i would check it every so often and learn something new but now that i'm getting better at coding it's become quite fun and addicting. i hope i don't lose interest in this and continue to learn and all. i don't post on insta anymore or fb or anything like that but i do scroll insta and check my friends posts and find local events that way. i do love the diy scene and checking out what people are creating in my area but otherwise, i wouldn't have an insta. well it's nice to see photo dumps of my friends. a lot if it is heavy rn too. it's not the best for my anxiety but there is far worse pain being experienced in the world rn. i want to go offline completely outside of my website and email. i still do send and receive physical mail and i love the process of that. i'm happy i'm shifting even more so in the creation and contribution side of things rather than the consumption. there are many wonderful and inspiring and strange things to consume, but mostly, those aren't found on insta and such. but whatever. i think i'm gonna go extract older journal entrees i've written and put them in here and just come write on my website when i have the urge to scroll instead. and go online and see all that's out there in the internet world. and only view insta through web browser and not use my phone for socials. i'll shut up now lol.
03/05/2024 7:28pm
it's been a strange week. i've found myself feeling scared and anxious more especially at night. i'm trying to find the wonder in uncertainty but all i'm left with is some spit stuck in my throat and a restless leg.
02/02/2024 4:20pm
A Love Letter To My Man, The Concept and Possibility of Time Travel (If He Had A Meat Suit, Of Course):
I awoke this morning with a new sense of purpose. A battle with grief turned to bettering myself. Born anew. This is partly due to the closure I received from you. Still, this credits the bettering of myself to another individual. I want to accentuate that the closure provided me with a push out the door of melancholy, and allowed me to repurpose the energy I was saving for you, to myself. I suppose I am also referring to the closure I received from a former lover being out of my life, unless I find it necessary to take legal action and obtain a restraining order, although this process is arduous and forces me to face my abuser. I will err on the possibility that we may never see each other again. You formulating a wall between us served as a catalyst to get moving on with my personal life and not sweat relationships. Like actually, I plan to go celibate after this and dedicate my time to more noble pursuits, like getting better at rock climbing, feeding my friends more, and building a career and life I am proud of. I want a sense of purpose that’s stable. I believe a fruitful endeavor could give me that. I spent a lot of time today dwelling on you. The past.
Instead of remaining in bed longer than I would like to, I faced the day bright and ready to tie up other loose ends. I worked on my website. I fed myself. I faced the sea. I was productive. I am in a very transitional period of my life. In many ways. I have a journal that I write in and a wonderful group of friends that I speak to almost every day. I am close to my family. Yet, something about speaking to you scratches an itch in my brain that has gone untouched. I don’t know what exactly it is about you that I am acutely drawn to. I have many potential suitors in my life, and it’s not that hard for me to make friends, romantic and platonic, but I am drawn to you. Is it perhaps the idea I cannot have you? I toiled with this possibility. Still, there are people I cannot have that I accept and move on without quarrel. I have not felt this inclined nor motivated to reach out to someone like I am with you. Maybe, it's a lack of fear that I possess when it comes to courting a completely wild concept within quantum physics. I don’t want you to remain a stranger of course. Is this abnormal? Alarming? Do let me know. It feels as if it is. It makes me feel minuscule, yet pursuing you is satisfying and worthwhile to me. I realize how problematic that previous sentiment may sound.
I don't believe it was just a moment of escapism with you these past couple of months. You’re like my muse. I long for you as a mentor. Maybe you’re an analogy to me picking myself out of this trench and making something magnificent out of my life. I’ve always had potential. I’ve had some failures and external happenings outside of my jurisdiction and control that left me derailed and frozen during my early 20s. Trauma forming before your brain is fully developed is like having a wound on your flesh that needs to be cleaned out but you keep rubbing dirt on it. But I’ve been proactive and have come a long way from the place where nonexistence was once my desire. Healing is never linear, and there are a lot of perspectives that are deemed more advantageous than unhealthy thoughts and patterns, waiting to be broken. Perhaps, that’s my attraction to you. I can entirely focus on myself without many external factors and worries a relationship provides, by having a conceptual one. One where I know most to nothing about. I can meet your needs just as you can provide for my needs, all in the comfort and familiarity of our own physical worlds and lives. But rather than finding that comfort in a book, or good film, or moving album, I find it in the tangible state of a human connection. Or a connection with a false possibility that I mistake for a sense of scientific wonder. It’s forever evolving, and catered to each of the parties involved. I want to be there for you in ways that don’t deem heavy maintenance like you imagine. Something low maintenance, yet deep. Devoted and soul crushing. I want to make it clear that my happiness and will to live does not rely on someone else by the way. I don’t want you to feel like I need you in ways that would kill me with drought of you.
There is this motif in my life where I wish to not be perceived. It’s probably my sole internal, selfish desire. My longest love. Yet, with you, I cannot get enough recognition. I want you to see me like my best friends see me. Like my childhood dog once saw me before I buried her in my parent’s yard. Maybe that’s what an intimate partner is. Excuse me if this sounds pretentious, but I have not had partners who could hold a conversation to the level I know I can have with you. Perhaps, it's speaking to someone far more intelligent than me, who also possesses empathy. Maybe it's because your vernacular lit up when I mentioned Crying in HMART and I was like oooh this man knows about sad indie girl music and Japanese Breakfast. That you participated in protests during your time at school, illustrating you care about the greater good of humanity. You read about philosophy and architecture. I wonder what architecture you find most admirable? Anyways, there are plenty of guys like you and plenty of girls like me. I don’t think I'll ever find a connection like yours again. But I haven't even imagined a connection like ours before. There's so much I still have to learn about myself and others. No two souls are the same even if cut from the same cloth. And the relationship between the two people is even far more unique. The current space and time, stages of life, nature and nurture. So what is my desire to maintain a relationship with you in any capacity then?
Have you ever been a muse before? I think it’s more the idea of the person who understood me in ways that no one once had after a string of failures that were relationships. I once was even proposed to. A sweet boy, I was just 20 years old, still a virgin. I’d like to think what my life would have looked like raising several children in rural central Florida with that boy. Comical to look back on. I was so focused on my research and finishing my thesis so I could graduate with honors. I never took the ring. I had no time for love. So I thought. But when is the time for anything? So it goes.
Things could have gone differently. But besides, they didn't. How does it feel to think about anything at all, darling?
It’s true we pick who we love. It’s also true that there are some people we feel the need to love. Being human can be a fragile experience. It is also a collectively shared experience. There are people in my life who make me want to evaporate into the air and become morning dew for someone’s lawn. And there are people in my life who water all the positive thoughts, dreams, and sentiments I have, leaving a field of wildflowers in my mind. You destroyed sadness and brought much joy into my world. I want to take my little life and go places, far and in between, with you in my pocket. Sure, it is still worth going places if you won't be there. But how sweet can life be when you share your moments with someone else?
I'm trying to master the art of detachment this year. How silly is that goal when I am so desperately reaching for you? Sometimes suffering is just suffering. You resemble a glimmer of hope. Tell me anything. Tell me nothing. I will listen. I would like to know your name, how you like your coffee in the morning, a comfort food of yours. I want to know a regret of yours, and what struggling with your mental health looks like. What are some of your favorite books you've read and what's one of your favorite albums? I just started the manga The Girl From the Other Side: Siúil, a Rún. The story and art are stunning. I achieved my longest NYT crossword streak today, at 31 days. You don’t have to reply to this. In fact, I was nervous to send it to you in fear you would just cut off communication entirely. But I don’t plan to spam you as I mentioned. Maybe a letter here and there. I mean, it certainly takes time and effort to write to you in the depth I desire to write to you in. It’s just comforting to get it out to you. In a different way that a therapist or friend or journal cannot exude. I romanticize the thought of a brief, mysterious lover receiving my sentiments, struggles, updates, aspirations. Even if those are met with silence.
Earnestly,
Cosmic Dustੈ✩‧₊˚☄. *. ⋆